Episode IV

FRIENDS

So I may catch a lot a flack for this episode due to it's nature, but I don't care. It's a been on my mind for some time and I think it's time to address it.

If you don't have someone you can call a friend, then either you've been living under a rock all your life, or you are socially inept. I believe I have a decent group of people I call "friend", but sometimes I wonder what that title actually means. In other words, what are the expectations when you put the "friend" tag on someone?

According to Dictionary.com these are the definitions of the word "friend":

noun

1.a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

verb (used with object)

7.Rare . to befriend.

8.to add (a person) to one's list of contacts on a social-networking Web site: I just friended a couple of guys in my class.

Idiom

9.make friends with, to enter into friendly relations with; become a friend to.

With today's technology, defining someone as a "friend" is more in line with definition #8. But to me this definition is more in line with the word acquaintance. You know each-other, but the likelihood that you'll hang out anytime soon is remote. The definition that I want to discuss is #1: "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."

If I listed off the people that I considered friend, I'm sure many of them would say, "yes, Salow is a friend". But what I think they mean is, "Salow's a good guy, and he's pleasant to be around." There's no emotional attachment, nor is their any real regard for who I am. They don't mind me being around, but they wouldn't go out of their way to do anything for me. So their definition of "friend" is more in line with #3. However, for me, labeling someone a "friend" is more emotional. And I just don't see that same feeling from most people.

Perhaps it's because of technology that the "friend" label is so loosely flung around, but I remember the days when you had a true core of friends, and maybe one or two "best friends". The earliest "best friend" I can remember having was back in elementary school. We hung out from time to time, and had a love for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There was another friend we hung out with, but when it came down to it, I believe the two of us were truly friends.  We had each others' backs. Unfortunately when I moved away we eventually lost contact with each other, and that friendship tag was lost. It wasn't until I finally got on Facebook that I reconnected with him. So are we friends? Maybe, we don't talk on FB, but I'd label him as a friend (definition #3).

My next "best friend" didn't come until late in high school. We met by chance, as his roommate was friends with my roommate and so via a friendship circle we became friends. Which blossomed into best friends when we realized we had many common interests. But as time has passed, though I'm sure we still label each other "best friends", the feelings behind being best friends has lessened. Why? We went to different colleges, (I dated and then married his ex-girlfriend), and careers took us in different directions. Though we still meet-up from time to time, it's nowhere near what our status was during high school.

It's these reasons that I believe determine one's friendship with another person. I'm married, have a young daughter, and work third shift Thursday through Monday.  So I have my obstacles in front of me that hamper any relationships I have with friends.

Being married, is a major factor, because now your time needs to be divided between your significant other and your friends (and her friends). You love being with your wife/husband, but you don't want to relinquish the friendships you once had. Those late nights out with friends now requires you to check-in or you'll have hell to pay when you return home. Those random trips up to see someone, now requires you to ask permission to leave. And what hurts your friendship even more is when your friends are single. They don't have the limitations like you do, so now they go out with their other single friends, and you (the married one) feels left out.

Then add in a child, and then watch your free-time dwindle. So now you're balancing schedules and begging for a chance to get away, when life doesn't interfere. You're responsibilities are not just to your wife/husband, but now you have a little one to tend to. They've got to be watched, like a hawk, every minute, for fear they may get into something they shouldn't. You need to spend time with them, so they get attached to you, because there's nothing more precious then a child's love. When you come home from a long day, their little eyes light-up with glee and they get excited to see you, and then they greet you with a hug and a kiss. It's amazing. But it changes the relationships you have with your friends, because family is now more important than friends.

Though they don't resent you for having a family, it complicates your friendship. They understand that life happens and things change. They say "we'll be here when you need us," but what that really means is, "call us when you've got the time." It's like the "don't call us, we'll call you" saying, but in reverse. Or at least, that's the way it seems. Your friends will be there, but knowing that you're life is (drastically) different they'll let you make contact with them.

So what I'm bitching at here is the expectations of the term "friend", regardless of life. The definitions listed above only scrape the surface on what I feel the word "friend" means. Am I confusing it with "best friend"? Probably. But I feel like I'm more emotionally involved with those I deem "friend", and I wonder why it's not reciprocated. I expect more from a friendship then what others are willing to give.  They have their own lives. They live their days without always wondering "what's Salow doing today?". However, in my mind, I'm always curious what others are doing. And if there's ever a chance for me to do something with a friend, I want to take advantage of it. But yet, the act is rarely returned.

Yes, I realize that friends have other friends. Yes, I know they have every right to do their own things. But would it hurt to at least inquire how I'm doing? Yeah, I need to make an effort to do the same. But c'mon, we're friends, right? Reach out to me too. Just because my life has changed, doesn't mean I have forgotten that you're my friend. I still want to hang out with you. It's just my time is limited. I'll let you know when I'm available, but every so often it would be nice if you'd contact me and at least see if I'm available.

They say "you get an A for Effort." And I feel I've earned at least a B, but if I were to grade some "friends" of mine, I'd give 'em a D. For "doesn't try hard enough."

Yes I'm bitching.  And I'm sure you'll look at me differently now, but how many of you would be truly willing to sit down with someone and discuss your friends status? Consider this our discussion and respond. I'd be happy to lay it all out there for you.